


Paddy's: After Dark

by PennyroyalTea (mabelsguidetolove)



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Consensual Sex, Cunnilingus, F/M, Incest, Light Masochism, Secret Relationship, Shameless Smut, Sibling Incest, Twincest, Workplace Sex, i actually.... am a little ashamed i lied, kind of, the rest of the gang is barely in this but they're there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 08:33:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15166784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mabelsguidetolove/pseuds/PennyroyalTea
Summary: just a smutty deedennis one-shot where they’re alone, closing for the night, and they’ve already planned on boning atop the bar…. enjoy, goblins and ghouls!!!(and, of course, this fic is correctly formatted and punctuated, unlike this summary; don't worry 'bout it)





	Paddy's: After Dark

**11:30 PM, on a Tuesday**

**Philadelphia, PA**

• • •

“God, Dee, I am so glad we decided to do this. I have to say, that whole thing about how we’d stay behind and ‘close the bar for the night’ was a good cover.”

“Uhhh…. We _are_ closing the bar, though.”

“Of course we are. It’s just that before we lock up, we’ll have to wipe the bar-top again, if you know what I mean.”

“Dennis, why _wouldn’t_ I know what you mean? You know I was there when we were planning this, right?”

“Never mind that, it’s time to get it _ooooon_ , baby girl.”

She could tell he’s never used the phrase ‘getting it on’ in his life. Or at least, almost never — maybe she was the only person he felt comfortable sounding that ridiculous in front of.

She wanted to make fun of him, tell him just how stupid he sounded, but they’d already expended the effort on making sure they could be alone together without the threat of a certain roommate bursting in the room (on accident or on purpose, nobody can say) and lecturing them on the evils of incest and sodomy and whatever else the self-righteous ass could come up with…

_Stupid Mac._

“Don’t you think we should wait a little longer? Everyone else _literally_ just left.”

Dennis chuckled, almost patronizingly.

“C’mon, Dee, they’re not coming back. I already locked the front door and everything.”

It wasn’t much, but it was enough to reassure her.

“Well, if the ‘Golden God’ says we’re fine, then I guess we are.”

“You making fun of me?”

“Oh, no _waaay._ ”

“You _are_ , aren’t you?”

“Yeah, but you gotta admit you were turned-on when I called you that.”

“… Y’know, I can’t argue with you there. Now get up on the bar, bird.”

“Don’t call me that while we’re doing this or I’m leaving. I swear that I’ll walk right out and go right home and use my old buddy Stephen to help me get off.”

“Okay, that’s fair. But _trust me…_ ” He lowered his voice to whisper into her collarbone.

**“There are things your dildo can’t do.”**

Dee finally complied, shuddering, letting her twin spread her legs for her as he ground against her, and it wasn’t long until her jeans were off and her panties were discarded.

_Then came the licking._

“D-Den, oh my _god_ —“ She softly groaned as he flicked his tongue devilishly around her clit and forced it inside her every so often.

“Yeah, you like that?” Dennis growled to her, looking up to watch her writhe, and he could tell she secretly enjoyed how much dirtier it felt when he was looking at her.

_Damn, he knew that he sure did._

He unbuttoned his pants without breaking eye contact (though Dee kept looking away, the absolute tease) and lowered one hand to stroke the cock that had been tenting in the front of his pants. His hot breath between her thighs felt, uh, weird. But good.

“Dee…”

“Hm?”

He backed up, put his hands on his hips dramatically and bucked forward slightly.

“Are you wet enough to let this monster inside you?”

The real answer, of course, was _‘hell yes’_ , but Dee couldn’t stop thinking about how vain his last remark sounded.

Everything always had to be about him. Jerk.

“I-I think I’m ready,” she exhaled, and she saw that her twin managed to slip a condom on and was now pinching the reservoir tip. _That was fast,_ she thought, but then she remembered how much he slept around and came to the conclusion that he’d just learned how to get it done in a real snap.

Dennis’ surprisingly strong arms gripped her narrow buttocks as he helped her down from the top of the bar.

“Turn around, will you?” he murmured into her ear, nibbling the edges, drunk on beer and passion. “For me?”

He stared at her again, trying to cultivate an expression somewhere between seductive and innocent. Even though his face was contorting a bit strangely, she agreed to his request and bent over a hastily duct-taped stool.

“Fine, but none of that ‘wrong hole’ bullshit.”

“Oh, _Sweet Dee_ , is _that_ what you think of me?” Dennis smirked, knowing that she was handing herself to him on a silver platter and he was therefore in a dominant position over her.

_Just the way he liked it._

He inched closer to his twin, hungry for more. He even spread her ass with his hands so he could see more of her womanhood. _Delicious_.

However, Dee was hungry, as well.

“Hurry up and stick your dick inside me,” she whined desperately. He’d left her hanging like this before — sometimes, he got to climax and she didn’t, and it was _very, very_ unfair.

“You just _couldn’t wait_ , could you?”

“Shut up.”

Immediately, he rammed right into her, balls-deep. _And it hurt like **hell.**_

 _“OW! What was that!?”_ Dee reprimanded. “You hit me _right in the cervix_ with your _stupid fat dick!_ ”

He retracted his deep thrust about halfway, and she looked back and caught a glimpse of him shrugging and rolling his eyes.

“Sorry, I forgot you’re so damn sensitive,” Dennis sighed, though that wasn’t the reason he buried himself so deeply, so fully inside her — he was actually too excited to hold back and it ended up biting them both in the ass.

“Am not. You’re just too forceful. And you were the one bragging to the guys that you were a ‘sex god’ the other day… No _wonder_ I didn’t believe you.”

“Don’t tease me like that,” he thrusted deeply and slowly so it would agitate her patience. How he loved to tease her. Thankfully for Dee, it didn’t hurt as much as it did the first time because at least he was covered in her fluids now. “ _I’m_ the one on top, so that means _you’re_ gonna be the one doing what _I_ say.”

“Like hell, I will,” she clenched her walls as tightly as she could. Were she in the correct position, she would’ve taken his balls into a vice grip, maybe dig her nails in a little bit, but that’s difficult to pull off when you’re bent over the way she was. She humped backwards and relished in the strangely vulnerable noises escaping from her brother’s mouth.

**_She felt amazing._ **

“Ah, _Jesus!_ That’s tight…”

“If you think _that’s tight_ , wait until I put a zip tie around your cock and balls—“

“ _Don’t._ ‘S too much…”

“That’s _right_ it is, boner. Now admit it: You’re no more in charge of me than I am of you.”

“Goddamn it…”

**_“Say it.”_ **

Dennis gulped. There was no way he would admit something like that. He was getting close, and while finishing was really all he wanted, he slowed himself down because he wanted to see if he could make her squirm with pleasure… Though she suddenly seemed like she enjoyed berating him more than the other way around. And her sudden boldness was seriously hot to him. Not many women had the fire, the raw nerve to dominate Dennis Reynolds, self-proclaimed Intercourse Extraordinaire, and he was loving it as much as she loved talking shit about him as they began inching closer to the edge together.

“I - I’m gonna —“

“Me too… I’m so fucking close, _please_ let me finish —“

They heard a voice ring from the back of the bar.

Which was exactly when Dennis realized that while he had locked the front door, as he said, he hadn’t locked the back door.

“ _Heeeey,_ bitches, we forgot the — **_Whoa, what the fuck?!_** ” Their heads spun around to see all three of their coworkers, shocked out of their tiny little minds.

That was when they both came. _Hard._

“H-Hey, guys.” Dennis covertly zipped up his pants, condom hanging off his flaccid penis, and turned around, still dizzy from the fervor. Both of them could see the judgement burning in their friends’ eyes. Dee was already sitting up, pressing her thin thighs together as closely as they could possibly go.

Frank was the one to break the silence.

“I _KNEW_ it! I _KNEW_ you two were bangin’ each other!”

“Oh, gross, dude!”

“Aw, shit, did you do it on the bar?! _Now I have to clean it again!_ ”

The shouting continued for several seconds before Dennis shouted _‘hey!’_ and everyone looked towards him. Except Dee, who had her head down, blonde locks obscuring her blushing, frowning face.

“ _I swear_ it’s not what it looks like. Just _trust_ me.”

“Really?” Mac retorted. “‘Cause it _looked_ like you were banging Dee.”

_“I was giving her the Heimlich Maneuver!”_

“Oh, he _was,_ ” his sister defended, tilting her head back up, bright blue eyes wide open. She bit her tongue so she wouldn’t look as worried, a tip she had picked up from an acting forum awhile back. “He was.”

“Dude. You did the Heimlich on her… _With her pants down?”_

“ _No,_ I choked on a peanut!”

“She _did!_ I was helping her _dislodge_ it!”

Their expressions at this moment were so desperate, so pathetic, that everyone else in the room almost felt sorry for them. Especially Dennis, who they thought could get better lays with his eyes closed. But secretly, in the recesses of his mind, He thought of Dee as one of his best ones.

“More like choking on a _pea-nus,_ ” Charlie coughed, thinking nobody would hear him.

This sparked _way_ more chaos than he thought it would.

**_“You shut up, Charlie!”_ **

_**“Yeah, Christ, Charlie!”** _

_**“Don’t use The Lord’s name in vain! Don’t!”** _

_**“Nobody cares, Mac! Shut up!”** _

_**“Get out of here, all of you! Go!”** _

_**“So you can bang again?”** _

_**“NOOOO!”** _

The fight continued for _more than an hour_ afterwards before the Gang unanimously decided to ignore it the way they would ignore Charlie’s, uh, numerous issues, or Mac’s homosexuality. Or, you know, anything else they were in denial about. Like a lot of things.

Thankfully for the twins, it only took a week or so of hard drinking for the rest of the Gang to forget said argument even took place.


End file.
